Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Oh, Look! It's a Roach With Extra Legs! Yum!

Ok, I am apparently not resolute in my resolve to be random AKA I am probably doing just as well as most people at keeping my New Year's Resolutions.

And like most people, I have a Perfectly Good Excuse for this. Random (but evil) bacteria and viruses have randomly attacked the entire Random family over the last few weeks. They snuck in, creating random amounts of phlegm and not-so-random incessant bouts of coughing, and were having so much fun they didn't want to leave. Multiple Dr. visits and types of medications later, most have left the party, though a few have lingered, hoping it will start up again.

Plus, even though it's been a couple months since I last posted, I've thought about it for weeks. That is almost like writing it in the same way that thinking about going running is almost the same as doing it, only without all the effort.

Anyhoo, onto the reason for this tantalizing post-title. Last month, one of Mr. Random's co-workers had a birthday. It was decided we'd all go out to celebrate. Naturally, we chose to go down to the pond and dig through the slime and under rocks, then made a feast of whatever living creatures we found lurking there.

Oh, wait. The reality was even more disgusting. Birthday Boy decided we should all go to dinner at a sushi place. One of the incontrovertible truths of the Random Universe is: "If it's ever lived in the water, I ain't eatin' it." And if it's ever lived in the water and it's is served to me raw, I sure as HELL ain't eatin' it. I agreed to go solely because I was assured there would be food there that a sane person could consume without it instantly coming back up looking more appetizing than it did before it went down.

Initially, despite my efforts to look beyond the "food" being served there, I was not impressed. It took the waiter 25 minutes just to bring me my water. Every normal (i.e. cooked, non-seafood) entree was preceded by gagtasic fish/tofu soup and the salad tasted like it was made from dandelion greens that had been freshly fertilized by Bessie.

This place was all-you-can-eat (unless you ordered something edible) so while I waited never-endingly for my water and my manure salad the mental patients at the table kept receiving a variety of nausea-inducing concoctions which I mostly tried to ignore.

When my (fully-cooked, the way civilized people eat meat) teriyaki beef came I was temporarily happy. (Yes, even Negative Nellie can very occasionally, albeit briefly, be Positive Patty.) The beef was good. Really good. And so was the accompanying rice.

If only I hadn't had people trying to persuade me how tasty their insects wrapped in rice and seaweed were, it might have been enjoyable.

I had no choice but to ask them if they'd ever seen footage of a shrimp crawling underwater. For those who are unaware, a shrimp scurrying along the ocean floor looks EXACTLY LIKE a roach scurrying across a kitchen floor, only with a few extra legs. No way, no how, would most people see a shrimp cavorting around on dry land and say "Hey! Somebody catch that! It looks like good eatin'!" Nope, they'd be screaming for someone to hit it with a shovel and not so they could wrap it up in some rice and seaweed and chow down.

While I'm at it, I feel compelled to point out that crabs are nothing more than giant aquatic spiders with a shell. So, if you're gonna eat those you might as well save yourself some money and go hunt for dinner in your backyard instead. Tarantula= hairy, shell-less crab.

Also, lobsters= scorpions without the stinger. Apply the crab/spider thing as you will.

As you may have concluded, I won't be going back to that place anytime soon, but man have I been craving that beef. Cooked cow is SO MUCH BETTER than raw aquatic anything.

And on that note, I have a personal message for Famous Dave: went back to your restaurant, brisket was tasty and lard-free. Yay!


  1. Finally.

    I knew you had to be sick. Again.

    I never thought about shrimp this way (although I'm with you in having no desire to eat them).
    On the other hand, we are just animals after all, eating other animals.
    I guess you and I are just more evolved, choosing not to eat some of them.

  2. Bring on those tasty little shell covered varmints anytime and I'll chow right down on 'em. Send me your share!